The New Year, 1994

My heart is aching, but I must go on. Alone. In silence. One step at a time.


I was trying to find God in my life. He was there, I just didn't know where. Afterall, I had such a distorted view of Him. If that makes sense.
Do you ever feel like you're gropping around in the dark looking for a source of light?
Well, it shouldn't be that way. Think about it … Darkness can not hide light. I understand that now, many years later.

So, sitting in my rocking chair, I prayed!
I cried!
I begged!
I pleaded!
I needed peace.
I needed comfort.
I needed to know that the Lord was with me, and there to help me.
I had a heart to heart talk with Him about a few things in my life.

My marriage:
When I married my husband, I vowed *For better, For worse, For richer, For poorer, In sickenss and In health, Til death...
That meant my death, not my daughter's death.
He has chosen to put it behind him and not deal with it, or help me deal with it, or even allow me to deal with it.
This put a strain on our relationship.
I had to try to work through my grief in silence.

My life:
I've made many mistakes and wrong choices. I am told that this is why Chelsea is dead.
Again, I am sorry. Please forgive me. Help me to do better.

Chelsea:
My heart is shattered in a million pieces. My arms ache to hold her. I just don't understand any of this.
I don't ever want to get pregnant again if I am going to lose another child. Ever. Not through miscarriage, stillbirth, any type of loss. I could not bear it! So please, If this is what is in my future, don't even allow me to get pregnant.
But if you do bless me with another child, I know it will be a promise to me, from You, that it will be for keeps...and I promise to raise the child for You, to the best of my ability!