Chelsea's Service

How do I describe this day?!

He came in and woke me. Told me it was time to get ready.
I cried. I told him, *I can't do this!*
He said, *We have to.*
He gave me 1/2 a dose of medication.

In pain, physically and emotionally, I got ready to do this thing that I don't want to do.

We arrived at the funeral home.
My cousin wants to take our photo to put in with Chelsea.
She asks if she can take a photo of Chelsea. I just scowled at her and said, *This is no place for taking pictures!!!*
(Oh, how I wish she would have went against my wishes and taken photos.)

He helps me inside, as I cannot move my body on my own. I don't want to do this!

We go in and walk to the front toward the oh so small white casket where my sweet baby girl is.
She is absolutely stunning in her white satin and lace ruffled dress, the beautiful headband, snuggled in her Pooh comforter.

I am weak and ready to drop so we sit in the front row seats.
I cry. I repeat over and over again, *She doesn't belong here!*
I just want to pick her up and run.
Physically, I can not.
Mentally, I know I shouldn't. They would probably have me taken away to the psych-ward if I did.
So, I just sit still and cry.

I remember David reading Mark 10:13-15

The service is over and all the people are going to their cars to get ready to go the *the resting place*

I ask if I can hold her one more time.
*Yes, just for a moment. We need to move on.*
The gut-wrenching, heart-wrenching sobs, that I have forced to hold in, cannot be contained.
This is the last time I will hold my Chelsea.

On the drive to the cemetery, he and his sister were joking around. I wanted to jump out of the car, but of course, I can not. I sit and endure the torment of their care-less state.

I just want to be buried with her. I have no reason to live now.

To my surprise and relief, Midwife J has come to be with me this day. She is on one side of me and he is on the other ... supporting me as we stand at the place.

It is a sunny, sweltering hot day.
Why is the sun shining today? Why is the earth moving today?
Doesn't the universe know that this is a horrible-beyond-belief day. It should be gray and gloomy, just like me.

We play *No More Tears In Heaven* by Eric Clapton
We all sing *Jesus Loves Me* ... the song I sang to Chelsea all the time, while she was inside of me.

It is time to go. Everyone is invited to his grandparents house for refreshments.
Midwife J is called to L&D. She must go.

I turn and see Jerry, the funeral director. He now has a pair of shorts on. He reaches in the trunk for his shovel.

We leave.

At the grandparents house, I go to the bedroom to lay down. I can not be up and moving another moment.
I don't want to talk to anyone.
I just want to be left alone.
I need to process this.
I need to remember what she looks like, to etch her in my mind so I will never forget.
I want to sleep and never wake-up again.