My Sweet, Beautiful Angel

The things I tell you here, some are from memory, but most from watching the video many times.

I was wheeled into the NICU, to Chelsea's suite. She is hooked up to so many tubes and wires. Nurse T picks her up and places her in my arms.

Oh, my sweet baby girl. How I have longed for this moment ... ever since I found out you were growing inside of me.

As Nurse T walks around me, she nudges my shoulder and says, *You wanna talk to baby while W has the video going*

I held her a few minutes, when Nurse T asks me if I had enough. ??? Was she serious?!
I said "NEVER!"

Unfortunately, my body has decided it is time to use the bathroom for the first time in 2 days. I wish I could ignore it, but the pain is too uncomfortable. I, regretfully, had to relinquish my hold on my sweet baby girl.
During my time in the restroom, all the family members that have gathered in the NICU have their turn at holding and talking to Chelsea, while the video is being recorded.
(He wouldn't allow any one, except himself, to hold her before I did.)

When I returned, she was placed back in my arms.
I did not comprehend the reality of what was happening.
Nurse T removed the vent tube and the tape around her mouth that held it.
The pastor came over to us and said, *The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Are you ready to give her back?*
My heart was screaming, NO!!!!
I kept thinking ... The Lord raised-up Lazrus. He can certainly raise-up Chelsea.
But there was no fighting it. My sweet baby girl was going to Heaven.
I was numb.
Totally numb!
All I could do was kiss her sweet face as she slipped away.

I remember Nurse T asking me, *Has she stopped gasping?*
Then she came over several times and listened with the stethescope.

On June 26 at 5:32am my precious baby girl was in the arms of our Savior.

The family was cleared from the NICU suite.
I held Chelsea for a little bit.
Nurse T asks if we are done.
I guess so.
What else are we supposed to do?!
We handed Chelsea back.
I was wheeled to the hallway where we were greeted by all the family that had stayed.
As I tried to stifle the gut-wrenching sobs, they told me it was ok to cry. All I could say was that it hurt too much. The pain was excruciating!

I was taken to a room.
Afterall, the plan was that I was being transferred / admitted to this hospital to be with Chelsea and recooperate from the C-section / surgery.
But, now I don't want to stay here.
There is no reason to stay here.
My baby is gone!
I want to go back to the other hospital.
Just get me out of here!!!
It was not so easy to just --- leave. When I arrived, Admissions was admitting me. So we wait.

As I lay there in the bed, I am trying to make sense of time. I asked what day is it.
Today is Saturday, June 26.
OH NO! It's Granny's 75th Birthday.
I turned and looked at my precious grandmother who sat in the chair next to my bed. "Oh, Granny, I am so sorry!!! I am so, so sorry!"

He went to the nurses station several times to see why it was taking so long for us to be given the ok to leave. They said the Dr had to come check me and give me my discharge papers. ???

In the meantime, Nurse T comes to the room with a box. "These are *Baby's* things and some reading material for you. I did her photo. I will call you when they come in."

*Baby's* name is Chelsea!!!
I just told her "Thank you."

Finally! A Dr comes to my room, looks at my belly and says, "There is alot of gas still trapped in there from the surgery."
Is she joking!
I am offically discharged from that hospital.
Just get me out of this place!
Now for the painful ride back to the other hospital.

Back into a room, the midwife and nurses all came in and gave me hugs and told me how sorry they were. Again, I try to stifle the gut-wrenching sobs that want to come ... it is too painful to just let go!
(Through-out my stay, each shift, all the nurses came in to see me.)

The pain meds have me in a fog as I try to keep up with visitors.

The family arrives. My oldest brother, and sil, are just heartbroken. They did not hear the phone in the middle of the night, so they were not there with us.
They bought Chelsea her burial outfit. A white satin and lace dress, complete with ruffled lace socks and a satin~lace~pearl headband.
"She is really gonna look like an Angel!"
I can not stop the heart-wrenching, gut-wrenching sobs from coming.
The pain is excruciating, both physically and emotionally.

How am I going to survive?! I don't want to go on without my sweet baby girl. I can't go on! I just can't!
Oh God, please take me, too!